While I Am Waiting Series: A Beautiful Moment

     

       Not all beauty is found in rose colored sunsets and delicate fragrant flowers. Sometimes beauty is found in the darkest of moments.
       I was angry, hurt, and frustrated. My world was changing and I felt as if I was caught in a glass box watching but not participating. My family was growing up and moving on without me....or so it seemed, my friends were in their own little world, seeming to have forgotten me, my ministry was changing, my country, nothing was the same. As I sat back and watched, I realized that even I,myself, deep down inside was different, and I wasn't sure that I was happy with who I had become. All in that moment I felt trapped, completely left out, and completely alone. The lack of emotions scared me the most. It was as if the valve to all my emotions had been shut off, and I was dry. I felt now as if I was watching myself in the glass box, wondering what kind of creature I had become. Self pity, confusion, and frustration finally brough me to tears. How thankful of the dark I was, but even then the world around me was forgotten as I finally gave way to the fears. I was tired of being strong and holding it all in. I was tired of being a soldier and acting as if my life was all sunshine and flowers. All I wanted in that moment was a hug, a hug from my daddy, who at that moment was a continent away. Sinking down into the corner I let myself weep and in that moment with my arms around my knees, rocking myself as my grandma used too when I was small, I heard it. Not audibly, but it was there without warning, without concentration, and without "Let's think about what God would say in His Word". It was God speaking softly into my heart, and like a mantra I grabbed hold and let it play over in my head until my heart calmed. "Fear thou not, for I am with thee, be not afraid for I am thy God.,,I will strengthen thee, yea I will help thee, yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Once I calmed, another verse followed like water soaking into my dry soul. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me...Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
        I was exhausted- emotionally spent, but I was alright. I had survived a battle in my soul, and had come out holding on to His hand. I found that some moments God allows us to feel completely and utterly alone in order to show us that we are never really alone. I lay my head on my pillow that night with these words in my mind and heart: "All around me may change, and my world become irrecognizable, but there is One who will always remain constant."
        My purpose in sharing this personal moment is that I know I am not the only one who has felt or will feel this way. The importance of building up those Scriptures for crisis moments is critical. Make Isaiah 41:13, Psalms 23, and others passages about fear your best friends. Looking back on that moment I don't recall so much the tears but that moment I looked up and knew that "God stood with me".